View from the (Ibiza) Villa

A Funny thing happened on the way from the Funeral

2010-12-18T09:22:00.000+01:00

Packed car parks in the afternoon an hundreds of black clad old biddies homing in on the church like beetles can only mean one thing in San Jose - Funeral!

'Who's dead?' i asked Xicu in the supermarket.

'Pep des Puig,' he replied, 'lived up the back here, had a carpenter's workshop, was always in Can Bernat. You'd know him if you saw him.'

The Two Sides of a One Sided Match

2010-12-11T10:30:00.000+01:00

Everybody sees things from a different perspective, especially if it's something they're really passionate about. Not with me yet? Don't worry, here's the perfect illustration using 'The Greatest Game,' Rugby.

Here's a Wigan fan's view of a cup match against Saints

And here is a Saint's fan's view of the same tie

Almost identical aren't they?

Rock, Tapas, Beer and Photos

2010-12-11T10:20:00.000+01:00

I went out to San Jose's Beer, Rock and Tapas fest on Wednesday armed only with two hands to investigate if it was possible to drink beer, eat tapas, and photograph rockers all at the same time.

As this blurry shot of the Good Ol' Blues Mafia Boys shows, the answer was a resounding NO. Nevertheless I'll be going along again today to try to establish conclusive proof of my findings

Palma Photos Slideshow

2010-11-30T16:30:00.000+01:00

Here, they are, some of my photos from my trip to Palma de Mallorca last week.

Something Fishy in Palma Aquarium

2010-11-26T17:30:00.000+01:00

Fins ain't what they should be down at Palma Aquarium. I was lucky enough just to get there on bath night for the jellyfish. It's a good thing it's only once a month like everyone else here as they put the poor little things in a giant washing machine.
Look

Feeling a bit peckish, I noticed that the restaurant had some canapés by Anton Mosimann

which were delicious, though I just had enough room for some raspberry jelly!

I wish I hadn't offered to help feed the sharks as I really did put my big foot in it.

And as usual, there's a just for fun quiz. What did the aquarium staff say to me when the shark coughed up my shoe?

The Zoo Project, Ibiza.

2010-11-21T11:00:00.002+01:00

The sound of hammer on tile yesterday morning reminded me of last year's Ibiza Winter Pool competition when two of our neighbours slugged it out to find the most inept builders for major works on their swimming pools.

Neighbour number 2, where yesterday's work was taking place, obviously succeeded as almost a year to the day, they are still frigging around there.

Neighbour number 1 struck the jackpot. His workers finished only 3 months behind their two month schedule meaning that their client only lost about ten grand of rental income having to cancel reservations made by people to holiday in his house.

Now, his new project is constructing a 'parque infantil' - a children's amusement area with swings, slides etc and a mini zoo with chickens, rabbits and goats (which can all be eaten when he gets fed up of having a zoo in his garden)

And guess who he's got doing the construction work? Yep, the swimming pool mob! When you find a bunch of workers as efficient as them in Ibiza, you keep them sweet!

Viva Servicio al Cliente

2010-11-18T13:16:00.000+01:00

Only in client friendly Ibiza could you find a sign as helpful as this.

It's in the office window of a boat repair and maintenance company in San Antonio port and says that they've sailed into the sunset until March and are now in Valencia. Valencia is a 5 hour journey by once weekly ferry and a mere 14 hours (don't ask me why, maybe it's uphill) back.

Frosty Glasses

2010-11-03T09:14:00.001+01:00

You know when film directors have to clever up some blonde bimbo for a role that requires a small spark of intelligence - a secretary say - they always use glasses as a prop to signify intelligence and sophistication.

It works! Here I am with glasses in Sa Capella

I look just like Mariella Frostrup!

Credit Crunch

2010-10-21T10:33:00.000+01:00

Have you ever noticed that when you just spent 20 minutes crunching numbers into your phone's keypad giving every conceivable detail about your credit card, the first thing the real person that you eventually get to talk to asks is, "what's your credit card number?"

What's that all about?

Art in Rome

2010-10-16T11:38:00.000+01:00

Blog-o-philes may already know that my record with works of art isn't that good. Every time I step into a gallery it's the day when they're changing all the exhibitions and all there is to be seen are blank walls or workmen scratching their heads.

So it was with some confidence (you can see where this one's going) that Jaki and I set off for the Santa Maria del Popolo church in Rome where Caravaggio's upside down crucifixion of St. Peter has been hanging in the Cerasi Chapel since 1600.

It had been taken down for restoration and was propped up, upside down against a wall under the glare of glaring arc lights. So just our luck, but we did get to see Caravaggio's right way up 'Crucifixion of St Peter.'

Later we went to the Holiest of Holies, the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, HQ of the Roman Catholic Church and home to Michelangelo's ceiling featuring a central depiction of the Creation of Adam. You'd think that after 500 years it would still be there, and you'd be right, and we were absolutely gobsmacked into silence. Not by the fresco, but by the rubbish on the floor that some knobheads had left. We couldn't believe that anyone could be so thoughtless and disrespectful!

So now, every time I think of the non pristine sistine, instead of

all I remember is this

Fashion Ibiza

2010-10-10T13:21:00.001+01:00

Have you ever noticed that when you see a fashion model in a glossy magazine and you think 'wow, I like those shoes!!'

and then you read on and it says, Nigel Hall denim jacket (Ebay £3), Nigel Hall linen shirt (Ebay £1), Gap linen cargo trousers (Ebay £2) and shoes (model's own). What's that all about?

Do You Know the Way to San Jose

2010-10-01T15:29:00.000+01:00

Fortunately the driver of the number 8 bus did and dropped me off in the car park just round the corner from the 'View from the (Ibiza) Villa' villa.

I had my trusty phone-vid with me during the journey and took this bus' eye view of the village from Xicu's supermarket to the car park.

There's an observation quiz that goes with the video............. Can anybody name the two restaurants and two bars which we pass on the left during our brief journey??

Ibiza Supermarket Sweep

2010-09-22T11:18:00.001+01:00

What supermarket in the entire western world would put a €49 bottle on the top shelf right next to the alcy pops for 79 cents?

Why, SYP would, of course! Probably in the hope that our local shabbily dressed wino gang, the Don Simon Mob, would change their chosen tipple should they ever pay a shop lifting visit to that fine retail establishment.

iThoughts from iBiza

2010-09-08T16:01:00.000+01:00

Have you ever noticed that when you've just spent two hours downloading and installing the monthly new version of iTunes, you then spend two hours unsuccessfully searching for whatever is new or improved on the version you already had? What's that all about?

Dynamic Dalmatian Duo

2010-09-08T10:36:00.000+01:00

As this blog still gets visitors from Duo Ibiza, our local dog sanctuary, checking up on Floyd's progress, I thought I'd post a short video of both Floyd (first on screen) and Marli.

Zoom Ibiza

2010-09-06T07:36:00.000+01:00

Don't feel inadequate if your phone video doesn't have a 10 x digital zoom option. Just get a bit closer to your subject.

See how fast I can run now?

Emergency August: Ibiza

2010-09-01T09:34:00.000+01:00

Ibiza in August is a nightmare; hot and crowded.

I only ever step out of the door for emergencies and my petrol consumption for the month, a tank and a quarter, and the number of photos I've taken, 25, proves this.

Here's photographic evidence of a Red Cross 1.7 km round trip I made for emergency supplies.

DIY Ibiza

2010-08-26T10:13:00.000+01:00

How cool can DIY get?

Fita, a big DIY store in Ibiza town has had local graffiti artist Jerom spray a mural over the entire facade. Here it is, and to give it scale I've left a bit of my car in.

That's just soooooooooooooo Ibiza. (As is them not having what I drove all the way down there to buy)

In a Bar in San Jose, Ibiza

2010-08-23T17:24:00.000+01:00

What could be better than a cold beer, some olives and boquerones in lemon juice and olive oil while you're waiting for your Saturday night tapas?

No? Well I'll tell you. A nice chunk of country bread to mop up that oil would have done the trick!

Dontcha?

2010-08-23T08:57:00.001+01:00

Don't you just love it when after you've watched just half of the best programme on telly for months- Al Murray's The Pub Landlord – and left the other half sitting on your sky+ drive for future amusement, your secretary comes along and deletes it?

What's that all about?

Real Life Ibiza Comedy

2010-08-02T16:17:00.002+01:00

I just got back from SYP (don't ask) with a bag of Papas Vicent and said, 'wanna crisp Jaki?' and she said, 'no.'

So what's funny about that?

This is, the most sublime 15 seconds of comedy ever.

Great Clattering Trams, it's Soller!

2010-08-01T09:41:00.000+01:00

Looking through my phone video collection this morning I came across one I took on the tram that runs from the Port of Soller to the Town of Soller and back.

This shot is as you enter the main square of Soller which as you can see is packed with bars, cafes and restaurants all with pavement terraces.

Anyone thinking of visiting who may think that the noise of trams clattering back and forth every few minutes would disturb a relaxing lineside drink should have no such worries. The noise of the tram is completely drowned out by hundreds of bloody kids playing on skateboards in the square!

Palma Hilton

2010-07-31T15:58:00.001+01:00

or I married an heiress.

As I alluded in my last blog, Jaki inherited some money, and whilst she's not in the Paris Hilton bracket, she did give me 500 quid to spend on anything I wanted.

Being the man who has everything he needs and wants for nothing I decided to forego buying trend monkey treasures - anything beginning with i and suffixed with pod, pad or phone, and instead book a holiday.

Paseo at El Molinar heading to Ciudad Jardin

So I'm off to Palma again! Booked into the Urban Sea Portofino where I stayed in March, for the low, low price of €32 a night - that's a beer and two Martinis in the Teatro Pereyra, Ibiza. The flight cost €48 (less than 5 beers in you know where) so I reckon I've got about €450 to spend on Fosh Food, Wineing tasting, and my long promised gastro-alcoholic tour of BoHo barrio Santa Catalina, and of course Jazz Voyeur club where a beer will set me back a mere €3, less than a third the price of that other place I went to in Ibiza the other night.

Jazz Voyeur, check it out, check it out, check it out now, come on!

A Night in Ibiza

2010-07-30T14:05:00.000+01:00

No, you're not gonna believe this but Jaki and I stepped out on the town the other night and celebrated her 'coming into some money' when an elderly and previously unknown relative died in Australia, by going into 'spin city' for a bite to eat and a few bevvies.
A short but nevertheless scenic taxi ride (€21) brought us to the throbbing metropolis and having a few minutes to spare before our table at La Plaza was given to someone else I snapped a few scenes of the ambience in Dalt Vila's Plaza de Vila.

We'd calculated that it was 20 years since we last dined in La Plaza, drawn in by the elegant wine glasses and place settings and we'd often noted that it was one of the few rezzies in the square that hadn't succumbed to packing punters in cheek by jowl to maximise profit during the short season. I can't think of anything worse – other than being serenaded by an unwanted accordionist – during dinner than having to hold your elbows in and listen to a total stranger's conversation.

Our meal was superb, scallops, duck breast and duck liver, sea bream, beef Bourguignon, two fab desserts, a couple of aperitifs and a bottle of Marques de Riscal from the Rueda region came to €106 and was worth every mouthful. Nice unobtrusive but efficient service and a pleasure to spend time there.

OK, so when in Ibiza town, you have to comply with the laws of tourism by gawping at the posh yachts in the harbour, oohing and aaahing about what the owners are watching on their giant screen tellies (like you do when you're a billionaire on holiday in Ibiza, watch the frigging telly.)

So here's the obligatory photo of a mega yacht with a humorous name.

Then we walked up to the port to see the trendy bars that every dance music mag says you must go in. Obviously not many folk read Mixmag these days as trend monkey fave Base Bar had not a soul in it. And then doubled back along 'Mother of God Street,' (Ibiza Gay HQ) where, they'd obviously forgotten they were glad to be gay judging by some of the miserable faces perched on bar stools.

Still, the upside of gayness, unlimited sex whenever and wherever you want it, is more than matched by having to listen to Hazell Dean records, sing songs from the shows and take your mam out shopping.

So, two down and up comes number three – people watching. This means that your terrace table is surrounded by a stream of awkward looking tourists scared shitless of being ripped off and wondering where to go. It's about as interesting as watching Escape to the Country.

A quick headcount at our Mar y Sol table in the time it took to quaff a G&T and Cuba Libre (€12) revealed that no less than 5,876 tufty haired skinny youths wearing vests and penguin style shorts (waist round the crotch, crotch round the knees) passed by. Either that or the same gang of 5 did the circular route about a 1000 times. Ditto, the 342 skinny, brown, high-heeled, saggy French women.

Anyroad there was some light relief when a gaggle of geishas gathered to promote a Brazilian night at an Ibiza disco (like you do) who were wearing very little under their kimonos!

Even better was the promotion for Pure Platinum our local (non gay) gentlemen's club – here's a video. For some reason girl number 3 seemed to attract my attention.

Penultimate one on the list is getting absolutely shafted in a place you'll never ever visit again in your whole life. Fortunately for the Teatro Pereyra, there's more than just me in the world and millions of mugs just waiting to hand over their hard earned readies.

Tom Worrall was on keyboards and voice, and we got about 15 minutes of him for our €21 (yes TWENTY ONE FREAKING EUROS) beer and Martini. It's amazing how quickly you can sober up innit?

Last law of tourism in Ibiza is waiting for a taxi. We were quite quick on this and sped home through the hot night air (€23) and got back just in time to go to the toilet before bedtime!

Ibiza Races: Chips v Tapas

2010-07-22T11:10:00.000+01:00

To celebrate the return of my shift key we decided to have chips made in the JML wonder oven for tea. To liven up the proceedings I decided to carry out one of those pointless experiments American boffins are prone to do.

It was this - If I put the chips in the oven for 20 minutes, have I got time to get to Es Galliner, buy my tapas, have a beer, get back and heat them in the microwave so that everything's ready at the same time.

Here's the phonecam photolog

T minus 20: The McCains are in

T minus 16: Tapas in Es Galliner

T minus 14: A cold, frosty beer

T minus 11: Tapas packed, beer drunk

T minus 2: Get the wine opened

T minus 1: Floyd has a drink

T plus 1: Voila! Crispy chips, meatballs in sauce, chicken curry, and spicy chicken wings in the microwave

Q.E.D.

power ibiza

2010-07-20T16:03:00.000+01:00

after a series of power cuts last friday in the early hours ranging from a nano second to 20 minutes - they all screw up my sky plus box - the powers that be decided to do something.

luckily they gave us a few hours notice that our leccy was going to be cut off most of this morning and we managed to get our breakfast in first, just before the power went off from 5 past toast to 10 to tea and biscuits.

it somehow seems to have affected my keyboard which no longer has a left hand shift key so no higher case letters for now.

Nowt to do with Ibiza

2010-07-16T13:43:00.000+01:00

Years ago in the late 70's young Jaki used to go dancing round her handbag in Pips, behind the cathedral in Manchester and she's just joined a facebook group for everyone who did likewise.

Here's a photo of some of her contemporaries

No idea who they are.

Anyway, another popular and similar club at that time was Placemate 7 which ocupied the same building as the legendary Twisted Wheel, one of the best Soul clubs ever, and where my brother-in-law Peter Lyon as a young parka clad mod used to go on a scooter.

Sky Arts are currently screening Tony Palmer's history of modern music, All You Need is Love, made in 1977. On the strength of it he was asked to direct a documentary for Granada's This England programme about another Soul club, Wigan Casino.

One of the tracks featured in it is a cracker, The MVPs - Turning my Hearbeat Up.

It's featured (from 1' 30") in this clip of Quadrophenia with a lot of parka clad mods on scooters

Fab, innit?

Like You Do:Ibiza

2010-07-16T09:32:00.000+01:00

You know how we suffix tales of everyday stupidity with the expression 'like you do?'

Well, here's a phone snap from my 'photos from a bar' series

It's a life or death sprint across San Jose's busiest road against a constant stream of traffic, 10 metres from a zebra crossing, on a blind bend AND wearing frigging flip-flops - like you do!

Maybe he was running for the bus and pretending not to?

Ibiza Irony II

2010-07-09T17:32:00.000+01:00

As I'm just popping out to the pasteleria (cake, bread, coffee shop) for ice I'm reminded of an incident a couple of weeks ago.

As usual the road and pavements were blocked by lazy gets who don't want to park more than 10 metres from their destination.

A bit like this, but much worse. The Guardia Civil, finding their path blocked, jumped out of the car and delivered a lecture along these lines
"There's a big car park down there and it doesn't cost a cent to walk a few metres, now clear off before i fine you all"

The irony is - though nobody pointed it out to the gunslinging jack-booted one during the bollocking - is that every pasteleria in Ibiza has a zebra crossing leading to it and, as often as not, there's a Guardia Squad car parked on it while the lads stock up on doughnuts!

Ibiza Irony

2010-07-09T17:22:00.001+01:00

I went to the SPA today. The information on the Roman Bath door told me that it was hot with 50% humidity inside.

The irony is that our bedroom is hot with 76% humidity inside

It'll be in the high 90's in August!

Third World Cup

2010-07-09T08:28:00.000+01:00

Remember my observational post about the flags of different nations - the misleadingly titled Embassy Club?

Well watching the World Cup has led me to believe that there's a connection between the National Anthem of a country and its position in the league of nations.

ie the lower the list you are, the greater the speed of your national anthem.

Compare the dirge-like God Save the Queen to the Uruguayan anthem

Interestingly there seemed to be a connection between the way the teams played after the anthem. Uruguay and Chile were like a swarm of cartoon bees alll over the pitch whereas England appeared like a herd of grazing cows after God saving the Queen.

Trastevere Travel

2010-07-04T11:48:00.002+01:00

Ha! You thought I was going to call this post 'Roman Holiday' - well I wouldn't stoop so low as to mention or use anything from that film in my blog.

I've been doing a bit of research and found that we will be inundated by strolling street accordian players, red and white checked table cloths, gigantic pepper grinders and dodgy-accented waiters with a flamboyant way of placing a napkin on a lady's lap.

Better still, our apartment is just down the street from Rome's home of the Blues, the Big Mama club.

Anyroad, I've already started boning up on the lingo and realised that my schoolboy Latin - here's an example I knew like the back of my hand for 'O' level

"Nisus was guardian of the gate,

No bolder heart in war’s debate,
The son of Hyrtacus, whom Ide
Sent, with his quiver at his side,
From hunting beasts in mountain brake
To follow in Aeneas’ wake:
With him Euryalus, fair boy;
None fairer donned the arms of Troy;
His tender cheek as yet unshorn
And blossoming with youth new-born."

Isn't going to do me any good when I'm looking for the bus stop from central Rome to Vermicelli airport (the one Ryanair fly from)

So I'm using this video to get me into the hang of local customs

And finally, as I harboured boyhood dreams of owning a Lambretta SX125, I thought that when in Rome, I'd do as the Romans do, by scooting around on a scooter with Jaki riding side saddle, so here's an image I've Photoshopped up to illustrate what we may look like.

And here's the quiz. What am I saying to Jaki?

The Big L

2010-07-03T15:55:00.001+01:00

Jaki is the Big L this year, so I thought I'd take her to somewhere where they understand Roman numerals, the Eternal City, Wome!

Courtesy of Ryanair direct flights from Ibiza to Wome pwetend airport, the one you've never heard of, we'll be downing espwesso after espwesso at about €20 a pop at all the major tourist sights.

We're based in this funky pad overlooking the Tiber in BoHo barrio Trastevere.

So, on my command, unleash hell!

As usual, there's a quiz for all old people who may read this......

How old is Jaki this year in Arabic numerals?

The Great Big SYP Ibiza Tuna Quiz

2010-07-01T15:33:00.000+01:00

Well, are you smarter than a ten year old? Here's the knotty problem I was faced with at SYP today which concerns economies of scale, bulk buying and super fast mental arithmetic.

I needed some tinned tuna for use in tuna, sweetcorn and mayo sandwiches. The two options placed tantalisingly on the shelf were

Buy a pack of 3 tins for €1.16

Buy a pack of 6 tins for €2.47

What would you do?

More Parking Ibiza Style

2010-06-30T14:21:00.001+01:00

OK, OK! I've had so may requests for more examples of Ibiza Motoring Mores that I filched a couple of snaps from today's and yesterday's Diario de Ibiza

Parking Ibiza Style

2010-06-30T10:14:00.000+01:00

Why bother shunting back and forth to get into a tiny gap when you can leave your motor like this?

It's so much easier!

Does Size Really Matter?

2010-06-18T11:53:00.001+01:00

Of course it does, and wouldn't it be great if clothes manufacturers realised this. Months of purchasing (without trying on) clothes from Ebay has made me realise that even though my measurements never change I'm four different sizes. Large in Gap, XL in Nigel Hall, XXL in Scotch and Soda, and XXXXXL in Yohji Yamamoto.

I bought 4 items, all size XL from all the above and put them all together, can you spot the difference?

If, by some remote chance, my father is reading this, they're FIG LEAVES, the world's first item of apparel

Catalonian Connections Competition

2010-06-17T18:22:00.001+01:00

Brought to you by www.youlearnsomethingneweveryday.com

What's the connection between this Jazz bar that I photographed in Catalonia about 4 years ago

and these lolipops which were first made in Catalonia??

World Cup Wake Up

2010-06-16T17:07:00.000+01:00

Spain never had a chance against the Swiss. How those lads can be expected to play properly when the first hour of the match was right in the middle of siesta time I'll never know.

Still, it was mercifully quiet in the village.

Phone Photos Ibiza

2010-06-13T12:07:00.000+01:00

A series of unconnected stream of consciousness photos whose only connection is that they were taken using my phonecam and they're all in Ibiza

Dabs and Carioca (a member of the hake family) in SYP

Botox lady from Living TV's Ibiza series in Xicu's

No. 2 Street in San Jose

Two old ladies wearing silly hats at the market in San Jose

A selection of fruity beer in Lidl

Isn't life ordinary in Ibiza?

The Rules of Ibiza Photography

2010-06-06T09:32:00.001+01:00

Rules 1 and 2 of Ibiza photography - the more beautiful the scenery, the more power cables there are spoiling the view, and a dog or person always walks through the shot at the last, most important moment - have been covered elsewhere in the blog.

Today, rule 3 states that when you find some place you really want to photograph, there's always a car parked right in front of it.

This is the Corpus Cristi shrine in San Jose today and that car is parked on the pavement right in front of it. The irony is, that if I'd needed a shot of a 1991 Citroen ZX I'd have been out for weeks looking for one.

Flowery Twats in Ibiza

2010-06-04T17:19:00.000+01:00

I'm taking up anagramming as a hobby this summer. Jaki's picked 6 letters out at random from our scrabble box and I'm going to arrange them into a well known phrase or saying.

But what the hell is a SPIASH! anyway?

Competition time! Does anyone know what the REAL word is she put on the swimming pool wall?

Ibiza Bar: Can Llorenc

2010-06-03T14:20:00.000+01:00

Remember the uncertainty surrounding the reopening of the Bar Can Llorenc in San Jose? Well, it's been open so long that the old bar sign wore out in the sun.

The other Saturday I saw this lad painting a new sign and engaged him in conversation.

He told me it would take him 3 days - you can't rush these things - to finish hand painting it.

Anyway, 12 days later, and it's done.

I wonder what it all means?

Blood, Sweat, Tears and Steamer Chairs

2010-06-02T09:52:00.001+01:00

Blood: When you walk through a door that a steamer chair will just fit through, but your fingers won't.

Sweat: When you carry a big, heavy steamer chair up 49 steps from the basement to the roof.

Tears: When you've just carried 2 big, heavy steamer chairs up to the roof and Jaki says, "I think think they'd look better on the porch."

Walking Backwards to Ibiza

2010-05-30T10:05:00.003+01:00

Autostop, or hitch-hiking as we call it in English, is a popular way of getting about Ibiza. Popular that is amongst the dog-dodging, soap-on-a-rope, lentil juggling, weird beard, loon pant wearing, hippy fraternity on the island.

Oft times as I pass one walking backwards towards Ibiza town with thumb outstretched I mutter, 'Oh aye, I really want you and your body odour in my car.'

Yesterday this scruffy git was waiting outside the paint shop by Can Verge

and within a minute someone - someone driving a Ford Mondeo, I might add, actually gave him a lift.

He obviously didn't want to be late for work entertaining the crowds in the Plaza del Parque.

Blow Up (Ibiza)

2010-05-27T14:54:00.001+01:00

Starring Jaki as Vanessa Redgrave et moi as mod photographer David Hemmings.

Take one cricket bag by Blowfield

Add air

And hey presto, White's Club in the Sky, Ibiza.

Vanessa's looking young!

A Helping Hand

2010-05-22T13:04:00.002+01:00

My mother, who is up to T in the medical dictionary, has been told that she has to have an operation on a Tendon in her hand. When she asked the surgeon if she'd be able to work the video recorder after the op he said, 'Yes, of course.'

My dad is cock-a-hoop, because at the moment she can't even turn the sound down on the telly!

Mallorca, May 2010

2010-05-19T16:15:00.004+01:00

The Mallorca awards from our trip in may 2010 are in no particular order

Best Mojito – Opio Bar, Puro Hotel, great drink, shame about the music and well worth 1000 centimos a pop.
Best bus – The number 15, is there anywhere it doesn't go?
Best band – Conflict 33%, funk, jazz and rap, all tightly bound.
Smallest Jazz club – Jazz Voyeur, less space than our lounge.
Best exhibition of photography by a rock star – Romanticism by Lou Reed in Es Baluard.
Best Saturday afternoon pastime – being in a shop, years since we did that
Best View from a Jazz Club – Blue Jazz at the top of the Hotel Saratoga
Best bar with a song about it by the Gibson Brothers – Cuba, quiero bailar la salsa AND enormous g&ts
Best informal, fun, relaxed dining in Palma – Fosh's Tasca Blanquerna, try the clams
Best informal, fun, relaxed dining in Puerto de Soller – the Bistro at the Hotel Esplendido, try the clams!
Best SFX - Boat Ride to Sa Calobra
Worst nationality – The French (have back-pack, will travel en masse)
Most antisocial way of transporting your gear – a backpack. Why not just carry a six foot plank over your shoulder and keep turning 360 degrees.
Worst thing that could happen – someone thought I was French, even though I had my wallet out in the spending position at the time.

Boat to Sa Calobra

2010-05-17T15:29:00.003+01:00

Fasten your seatbelts and hang on to your ha'pennies cos we're in for a bumpy ride! We've just come back from a chunderiffic trip to lovely Torrent de Pareis on the boat and it was rockin'n'rollin all the way. My timbers have never shivered so much and Jaki had avast behind!

Don't believe me? Take a look at this video, and if by a million to one chance my father realises it's a video and is reading this DON'T show it to my mother!

Ibiza Plan D

2010-05-11T10:47:00.001+01:00

Here's a top tip if you want to get anything done in Ibiza that involves someone or something other than yourself. First formulate a plan A which gives you 100% success, then Plan B for 75%, Plan C for 50% and finally Plan D for 25%.

Immediately implement Plan D as this will save hours of valuable time and avoid disappointment.

Ibiza - Palma - Cuba

2010-05-10T13:55:00.000+01:00

You know sometimes when you hear the name of a place and it conjures up such evocative images in the mind's eye that you've just got to go? Well, I was doing a bit of research for a news article about Modernism in Palma when I came across this building,

It's the Hostal Cuba in Santa Catalina, Palma, and was built in 1904. It's soon to reopen as a chic urban Hotel Cuba, and the Bar Cuba on the ground floor has just been given a similar makeover.

Can you hear the congas already? Santa Catalina is one of those barrios full of Boho bars (there's another one called the Havanna) that's a cool place to go out but doesn't cost an arm and a leg. ie a bottle of house wine in Cuba is only €7.50!

You can sit on the terrace

or inside the bar, where I can see us quaffing a few 'Cuba Libres' later this week!

Debilitating Injury

2010-05-10T08:27:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, whilst examining the sewers of my palatial property (don't ask me why) I dropped the very heavy, very concrete, sewer access lid onto the tip of my middle-finger, right hand.

I'm now the proud possessor of a very black, very painful fingernail. But it gets worse, it's my ring pull finger, so I'm desperately trying to train Marli up to open my early evening beer can!

Balearic Holiday Arguments

2010-05-08T10:29:00.001+01:00

Jaki and I have spent all weekend so far arguing about our holiday destination. I want to go to Palma and so does she!

Ibiza Weather: Thunderbolts and Lightning

2010-05-03T14:47:00.002+01:00

Very, very frightening.

Video of a palm tree shot from our balcony

N'er Cast a Clout in Ibiza

2010-05-03T10:19:00.006+01:00

'til May be out!

Ne'r a truer word were writ than this as, casting clouts in all directions the other day to get my legs brown for our Mallorca trip, I was surprised to wake up to long trousers and flippers weather today in Ibiza.

Still, it could be worse, we could actually be in Mallorca today where they're on amber alert for high winds and rain.

Ibiza Short Stories

2010-04-30T08:20:00.001+01:00

I'm wearing shorts today for the first time since last October!
Jaki said, 'You've got two pieces of white cotton hanging from them.'
I said, 'no, they're my legs.'

I'll get my long trousers.

Ibiza's Cleanest Back Passage

2010-04-26T15:49:00.000+01:00

I'm well on the way to have another award bestowed upon me. Ironically, after skipping through fields of beautiful wild flowers yesterday, I was up to my neck in 'bloody weeds' a couple of hours later in attempt to tidy up the track to the garage and scoop the 'cleanest back passage' award.

You can see the defoliated areas on the left and right of this photo, leaving me, after about a gallon of sweat and 12 industrial bucket loads of plant waste taken to the dump, with about the same amount of backbreaking toil still to complete.

Tip to self. Do this work in the afternoon when the sun is in front of the house and the track is in shade.

Ibiza Low Rollers

2010-04-25T12:33:00.000+01:00

Did you know that the Spanish are at work for many more hours than the rest of Western Europe? And did you know that they're around 40% less productive than the rest of Western Europe.

So who better to ask for advice on getting a job done that 'looks OK for a bit but isn't quite as good as if you'd done it properly' than Dani's brother at the paint shop.

His advice to me was to use the pole for the roller we'd bought to paint high walls to linseed oil the decking. Tons easier than rawming about on your hands and knees with a brush, but not so penetrative.

And Voila! 10 minutes later I'd done a job that normally takes days.

And now a joke.

A man from Barcelona (where they have a normal work ethic) is in one of the big government offices in Madrid one afternoon and nobody is there bar the cleaner.

Don't they work here in the afternoon, he asks.

No, she replies, they don't work here in the morning, they just don't come here in the afternoon!

RCCE in Ibiza

2010-04-25T10:11:00.001+01:00

It's an accounting term which means Revenue Consequences of Capital Expenditure. That is, if you buy something big, like a new house for example, you're going to have to pay the consequences in its upkeep.

So, unless you've got the income to pay for an army of gardeners, cleaners, pool maintenance and general odd job bods, you will, like us, have to do it yourself.

That's why we hardly get out into the outside world these days as all our weekends are full of painting, linseed oiling, gardening, and general tidying as we get the house ready for the summer.

I sneaked out into the back field with the dawgs this morning and took these photos of wild, spring flowers.

Ibiza Pub Quiz

2010-04-25T09:41:00.000+01:00

Here's a fun quiz for all. I was recently in a bar in San Jose and took this photo with my new mobile phone (not only does it have a camera, but you can also listen to music on it)

The two items in the foreground give a clue to the name of the bar and the date. The question is then, what tapas did I buy for my dinner?

Stop Wineing

2010-04-22T09:58:00.000+01:00

You certainly realise how unadvanced your own little world is when you arrive in the Big City. Not only does Palma have talking bilingual bendy buses, but it also has a computer controlled wine bar!

When we were in London, we paid - and I still haven't got over the shock - £7.60 for two glasses of quite ordinary wine in a quite ordinary pub. I strolled into 'Wineing' last night and couldn't believe my eyes.

You're given a credit card which you put in a machine which dispenses wine from an array of bottles. There are 3 sizes of wine, a 60 cents snifter, a €1.20 half a glass, and a €2.40 glass. When you've helped yourself to some fine reds from all over Spain and Mallorca, there are also whites and that other one, the pinky looking one.

The idea is that you sample away until you find one you really, really like and then buy a whole bottle to go with your tempura cod tapas.

If this sounds good, then it gets better because 'Wineing' is one of 11 bars in the Lonja (old town) area that are in a scheme called Viavi to promote wine and tapa consumtion by offering both for €1.50 each on the last Thursday of every month. ie today!!!!!!

I think I only missed out on two of the bars and you may spot me in more than one photo on the Viavi site

Anyway, after all that excitement, i went to the Jazz Voyeur club and saw this band

Lost in Translation

2010-04-12T16:28:00.000+01:00

Here's an example of some Spanglish that could be misinterpretted. It's a poster for a famous Mediterrasian fusion cuisine restaurant in Ibiza - Bambuddha Grove - that I've not yet visited.

As you can see, from the fusion of languages used, it's "Open every day. Closed Monday."

A bit of a contradiction in terms, no?

Easter Saturday: Ibiza

2010-04-03T16:04:00.000+01:00

Years ago, when we were kids, my dad would take us round to r gran's on Easter Saturday to collect our Easter eggs. All the way there we had it drummed into us to say "fish" when the old lady asked us what we'd had for our tea on Good Friday.

There was still a bit of religious reverence about in those days you see. That reverence still survives in staunchly Roman Catholic Ibiza and none are doing more to preserve that than the 'management' at local supermarket SYP.

Here's the meat counter today,

apart from a tantalising reminder of what meat looks like in that photo of some lamb chops, totally uncontaminated by meat. I bought some cod.

The Long Good Friday: Ibiza

2010-04-03T16:01:00.000+01:00

They have everything in Palma. I saw this phone with a screen you can touch, and it's so big you can see the time AND read the writing if you set it to super huge 26 pt font.

It's even got a camera. Handy for me on nights out when things get a bit blurry after 2 pints, I just snap away and piece it all together the next day. So I went watching the Maradonnas at Raco Verd last night, great band comprised of Claude from Destino on vocals and the lad who chefs there on lead guitar with some others.

I got a good seat by arriving way too early at 22.10 for the 22.00 start.

Ignore that clock, it's stopped.

Anyway, by 23.05 when the band strode majestically on stage, I'd had a few scoops and things got pretty blurry.

See what I mean?

Good Friday:Ibiza

2010-04-02T12:19:00.004+01:00

It's Good Friday today. A public holiday and one of the most sacred days in the Roman Catholic calendar. The shops are shut, the Town Hall is closed, and there are religious processions taking place around the island. Being British, I'm using my precious spare time to lay waste to the garden in preparation for the summer and to rid the pool of a layer of pine pollen. I've gone about this in a relatively quiet way, using only manual labour punctuated by the odd snip, snip, snip of the clippers. Take a look at work in progress

You may just be able to hear our neighbourhood jackass with a jackhammer who is now breaking tiles on my neighbour's porch and has been since 08.00 this morning. I'm expecting him round here tomorrow at about 7.30 to knock through my bedroom wall into the guest room.

Holy Thursday Ibiza

2010-04-01T09:15:00.003+01:00

It's Holy Thursday today. A public holiday and one of the most sacred days in the Roman Catholic calendar. The shops are shut, the Town Hall is closed, and there are religious processions taking place around the island.

But this is Ibiza, so some jackass with a jackhammer is breaking concrete somewhere up the street.

Happy easter everybody!

The Hunchback of the Ibiza Villa

2010-03-31T10:31:00.000+01:00

It's my last day in rehabilitation (physiotherapy) today. By the end of the afternoon I'll have;
travelled 1200 km by car
travelled 300 km by bike
been humiliated in public 13 times by having my leg thrust behind my neck
been called a girl twice
had enough electricity pumped through my knee to light every bulb in SYP
learned two new words in Spanish
pins and needles = ants
cramp = a BIG pull
and can now eat a banana using my right foot.

What a pity I still have all the charm, demeanour and gait of Charles Laughton ascending to the belfry at Notre Dame when I go upstairs to peg the washing out on the roof!

Palma March 2010

2010-03-28T15:34:00.005+01:00

And here, without any or further ado, is my slideshow!

I stayed at Ciudad Jardin, a suburb about 7 ish klicks from the town centre. Not a resort as such, it does have a few hotels, the Urban Sea Hotel Portofino and its sister hotel the Playa Azul.

With fish restaurants and marisquerias cheek by gill, plenty of bars and nightspots and a big long stretch of beach with a promenade and bike lane running its entire length to Palma it's a great holiday spot that doesn't feel like its a resort.

Buses ran every 10 minutes from early 'til late and the fare was only €1.25! Even better, they tell you which stop you're at and have a clock on board. This comes in handy when you had an absolute skinful at Viavi and fall asleep on the bus home. When you wake up you have a rough idea how long you've been out of it for.

As always, Palma itself was full of grown up entertainment. Bars with great music at reasonable levels and no speakers outside disturbing folk not in the bar - a total contrast from Ibiza.

Food was great, plenty of tapas, tons of tempura, noodles, sushi, wine from all over the place and more art and culture than you could shake a paintbrush at.

Here's my tip. Don't ever go to a Palma art gallery on Thursday 25th March. That's the day, they change all the exhibitions over, so there's next to nothing to see.

Light at the end of the Ibiza Tunnel

2010-03-22T18:17:00.000+01:00

Every afternoon I drive through the tunnel on the new Ibiza 'motorway' and every afternoon I'm accompanied by a phalanx of dim drivers who haven't got the sense to put their headlights on.

So isn't it ironic that the one time I drive through the tunnel at night when it's actually lighter in than out, everybody has their headlights blazing away.

I'll never understand them.

Twitter ye not Ibiza

2010-03-21T15:39:00.000+01:00

Have you ever read a Tweet on Twitter? It's brilliant, Anybody, anywhere can post anything they want, unless they're in China of course. It's absolutely jam-packed with codshit. Here's a gem I saw yesterday about Ibiza. Apparently, the island is Nudist Central Numero Uno. So popular is it with nudists that there are even nudist malls here.

There aren't even any normal malls here, never mind nudist ones!

Anyway, I did read a funny twitter about St. Helens (remember, I used to live there) which went something like this -

St. Helens, that's the place someone giving me directions told me to turn right where Tesco's used to be -

wish I'd thought that one up!

Ibiza Rain Stopped Play

2010-03-21T14:01:00.000+01:00

The lack of activity in my blog log (should be a blog twig) is down to my rather uninteresting existence at the moment with hours taken up by physio. If I were a professional footballer writing my autobiography it would go like this

"I get up at eight o'clock and I write some stories and I have lunch and I go to physio and I make a meal and I watch Telly and I go to bed."

Here's the gym I go to for physio.

Thanks to Fiona, our neighbour, I could add "and I go for a bike ride" to that long exciting list of pastimes. She's lent me hers as a trial to see how I go before taking the plunge and buying my own. It's great. I went out on Saturday morning, didn't fall off, remembered how all 18 gears worked, did a 'look no hands' on a bit were nobody could see me, and arrived back knackered.

Today it's raining, so no biking for me.

Ibiza Rain Stopped Paco

2010-03-21T10:06:00.002+01:00

Fate rarely steps in to spoil our Ibiza fiestas. The only catastophes I can recall befalling our little San Jose shindigs have been entirely man made. The year that the band arrived but their equipment didn't springs to mind, we all had to stand around drinking for hours until the next plane came in from Barcelona.

Well, what a turn up for the books when it rained last night, not that fine rain that soaks you through, but a good old Ibiza deluge. The evening should have featured Paco Fernandez, Can Raia and The Black Onions but no sooner had Paco taken to the stage when it started spitting.

Forty-five minutes later, he had to leave - safety reasons were quoted, even in Ibiza we don't like seeing people electrocuted on stage - never to return.

Shame. I took a few photos before he went though.

You can see the rain in the last photo. And now, a video.

Ibiza - Palma - Soller

2010-03-16T18:03:00.000+01:00

Chalk it up. We're off on holiday when it's sunny! Thanks to the Old Lady who volunteered to look after Marli, Floyd, Spook, Charlie, Mouse, Tillie and Flossie (sounds a lot when you name them all) we're off for a break in May.

First stop Palma, where we've got an apartment just off the Born, where our favourite cafe bar franchise - Cappuccino - is opening another place in March. Three days of shopping, site seeing and generally dressing up for grown up evenings out should ensue. We might do a bit of dining out too - here's one we fancy - Fosh Food.

Here's our pad

and here's a link to the site Owners Direct

Then we're off on the train ( I love trains) to Soller and then to Puerto Soller for a sunshine seaside holiday for a couple of nights where we're staying at the Hotel Aimia

I've got to get my lad's holiday out of the way next week first though!

San Jose, Ibiza: The Big Bottle

2010-03-14T10:54:00.003+01:00

If it's March in San Jose, it must be Flower Power! As always, the village was decked out in flower power related decs, the church was illuminated by a Pink Floyd style light-show, there were bars, food and drink stalls everywhere, a live band on in Raco Verd and thousands of people thronged the streets.

So you'd think, would you not, that local teenagers would relish the opportunity to do a bit of cavorting to music in this explosion of life in a normally quiet village. Well, they didn't. Where were they all? At the top of our dark (not enough power for the street lamps) and freezing cold lane having a 'botellon' away from all the action. I know this because of all the bottles, plastic cups, ice bags and vomit I saw this morning left all over our neighbour, Mr. Maffin's front.

A botellon (augmentative suffix) means a big bottle, and is used for the growing problematical situation in Spain of kids hanging around in vast groups, boozing out of supermarket bags, turning into alcohol fuelled vandals, and not tidying up after themselves. There's now a new word in Spanish to describe the place where they all meet, un botellodromo, (a bottledrome) which I've seen used in the Alicante press for the area at the side of the Melia Hotel and Volvo port when hundreds arrive on Friday and Saturday nights to make noise.

Don't you just love kids?

Ibiza Trees

2010-02-27T14:42:00.000+01:00

It's amazing what you notice when your peripheral vision is uncluttered with other stimuli as mine was today in a pea-souper fog.

I captured some images of some indigenous trees of Ibiza

Number 1 The Olive Tree

Number 2 The Hose Tree

Number 3 The Plastic Bag Tree

Number 4 The Palm Tree

Nun's Knees

2010-02-25T19:15:00.000+01:00

During one of my physio sessions at the new old people's home in Ibiza I was told that I have two 'nun's knees' - that's Housemaid's Knee in English. Using my new housemaid powers only yesterday, I spotted that there were one or two cat hairs on the living room carpet. It was only on closer inspection that I remembered we don't have a carpet in the living room.

Noted in Ibiza

2010-02-23T12:41:00.000+01:00

Have you ever noticed that when people are selling 'unwanted gifts' on Ebay, they're always Mulberry Bags, Paul Smith Shoes, Zegna linen jackets or something else that you would die to receive and the only unwanted gifts you have are platignum ball point pens from that Christmas when you received 8 ball point pens? What's that all about.

An unwanted Mulberry bag

Ibiza - Palma

2010-02-12T13:33:00.003+01:00

I love reading hotel reviews. Especially the ones where people moan about something that is stated as plain as daylight when the hotel is booked.

I booked the UR Portofino in Palma suburb, Ciudad Jardin, last week for a short break in March

Somebody was moaning that the area it was in was very Spanish, which must have come as a bit of a shock when they stepped out of Palma de Mallorca airport and turned left. Some pillock was complaining his room wasn't ready when he arrived at 10 am even though it's clearly stated on the booking form that you can't check in until 3 pm.

Having said that, I got a bit of a surprise myself when I discovered the hotel on a 'Gay Hotels in Palma' website, I'll just have to take my Hazell Dean records along with me.

BTW if anybody's reading this who's checking in the day I check out, I'll quite happily haul myself out of bed and the room at 7am so it can be ready for your arrival at 10!

Granny takes a Sip

2010-02-11T18:47:00.000+01:00

We've got the matriarch of all the street cats living in our garden at the moment. The old girl's called granny and she must have had at least 4 litters of kittens over the years we've known her in the street. Now she's been neutered and is having quite a charmed life on our porch, chasing leaves in the wind, playing with toy mice and bopping the grandkids on the head if they take too many liberties. Here's an unusual thing I noticed about her the other day and have since been on a 72 hour 'granny watch' to capture it on film - she drinks by dipping her paw into the water bowl and then sipping the water from it. Bit like that Arthur in that advert.

On the Buses

2010-02-06T16:16:00.000+01:00

We really do things in a big way here in Ibiza. Here's a snap of San Jose's multi-modal transport interchange, or the bus stop as it is sometimes referred to.

My sister, waiting there for the bus to San Antonio, fell into conversation with another English couple who complained that the bloke in the ticket office didn't seem to know anything on the subject of buses. Our Kris explained that the kiosk was, in fact, where people bought their lottery tickets for ONCE, the charity for blind people.

Having said that, if you do go to a real bus ticket office, especially the one in Ibiza town, they too will know sweet FA about bus tickets, times or other related bus information.

Silence in Ibiza

2010-02-01T14:21:00.000+01:00

No, they haven't banned drills, buzz saws or angle grinders, that still continues 24 hours a day on a rota basis.............it's another dog's tale.

Old Floyd is one of the 10% of Dalmatians born stone deaf. He can't hear a thing but has developed his other faculties to compensate - he can see a pin drop from a couple of metres, for example.

I communicate with him by making like a windmill when we're out on a walk while he uses all his powers of concentration to take in the sights and smells around him.

Here he is carefully checking out evidence suggesting that he may not be alone on Cala Conta beach. Clever isn't he?

Ibiza Water

2010-01-30T12:12:00.000+01:00

If Howlin' Wolf had lived in Ibiza he'd never have written the classic Blues song 'I asked for water, she gave me gasoline.'

I've just been to fill up with both liquids and 56 litres of water cost €3 whilst 41 litres of gas was €46! A bit of a discrepancy eh?

The reason that petrol cost so much more here is that it makes better tea.

Observational Comedy II

2010-01-30T10:46:00.000+01:00

More pathos from Ibiza

Have you ever noticed when you've just had a knee operation and you can't walk, sit down and are sofa bound, your mother-in-law invites herself round to catch up on the last 4 episodes of Dancing on Ice and Popstar to Operastar? What's that all about?

Have you ever noticed that no matter which show you're watching, the panel of judges always has a nasty one? What's that all about?

That's Jason Gardiner, the angry one on Skating on Ice. I'd be angry too if I looked like that. Jason's claim to fame (apart from his anger mismanagement) is that he is Sir Elton John's choreographer.

Imagine how difficult that must be for Jason

"Come on S'relton, you great puff, sit here and look to the right when you get to a sad bit in your crappy songs."

I Don't Want to go to Rehab (Ibiza mix)

2010-01-26T18:40:00.001+01:00

No, no,no!

Don't worry, I'm not giving up ale, but I've started my rehabilitation programme for my knee.

The reason I don't want to go has no connection with the muscle wrenching, bone crunching, heart pounding, lung bursting, tongue twisting exercises I have to do for 2 hours every day. No, that's easy and painless in comparison to listening to the two hours of top 40 Latino sounds playing constantly on the giant telly in the gym.

Here's Rosario with Cuentame Que te Paso

Anyone else think she's a bloke?

Ibiza Blog Comedy Awards

2010-01-23T15:52:00.001+01:00

I'm happy to announce that once again 'The View from the (Ibiza) Villa' has been voted Ibiza's top comedy blog against absolutely no opposition.

I'd like to dedicate the award to my traumatologist Dr. Dirk Kuhnen.

Great knee op, thanks doc!

Spanish Histree in Ibiza

2010-01-23T10:26:00.000+01:00

What's the connection between this Araucaria, or Monkey Puzzle Tree which I can see every day from our kitchen window, and Spanish political history?????

Well, it's almost 80 years old and was planted on 14th April 1931, the day the Second Republic was proclaimed

“The Second Spanish Republic was the system of government in Spain between April 14, 1931, when King Alfonso XIII left the country following local and municipal elections in which republican candidates won the majority of votes in urban areas and April 1, 1939, when the last of the Republican (republicanas) forces surrendered to Nationalist (nacionalistas) forces led by Francisco Franco, at the end of the Spanish Civil War.” - Wikipedia

Observational Comedy

2010-01-19T12:55:00.002+01:00

According to the never wrong, always infallible Wikipedia

"Observational comedy is a style of humor based on making remarks about commonplace aspects of everyday life. The humor, based on the premise of "It's funny because it's true," consists of observations made about sometimes very minor and superficial aspects of Western culture: from airline peanuts to the Jared Diet to the lines at Walgreens. Jokes may often begin with the phrase, "Did you ever notice?..." or "What's the deal with...?", and may end with ...'What's that about?'."

Seems easy enough, so whiling away the hours at the doctors today, I thought I'd give it a go.

Ahem, (clears throat)

Have you ever noticed that when you're in the doctor's wating room everyone who goes in before you takes twenty minutes with the doc, and then you're in and out in two minutes? What's that all about?

Putting the (Medical) Record Straight

2010-01-16T14:42:00.000+01:00

I feel I should explain that the reason I had no feeling in my legs yesterday after my operation was that I'd had an epidural. The effects last 5 or 6 hours after the op but now I'm perfectly OK. I'd only mentioned about 15 times - both orally and in writing - to the old people in St. Helens, so naturally they feared the worst when the saw my post below.

I repeat, I am perfectly OK and recovered now. To prove it, here's a snap of me and me room-mate in the hospital in Ibiza yesterday.

What a Drip

2010-01-15T12:20:00.000+01:00

An hour after my knee operation and I can't feel a thing from the waist down!

Since I started this post I've acquired another drip

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics

2010-01-11T17:57:00.000+01:00

A phrase in all probability coined by Disraeli about probability (and other things.)

The probability of a random event happening in a certain hour is 4% (1 in 24) and the probability of that event happening in the 'day' time is double that of it happening in the 'night' time. ie 16 to 8 (or 2 to 1)

So why does Jaki's mobile phone's super loud low battery warning beep always, always, always go off in the middle of the frigging night?

(that's a rhetorical question btw, I don't want a flood of comments about skewed distribution and standard deviation, thanks very much.)

Return of the Old Woman

2010-01-10T10:35:00.000+01:00

The mother-in-law's back!

Instead of the normal pleasantries of how awful the flight had been we were treated to a 2 hour monologue about the hitherto unknown weather situation in Britain. Apparently St. Helens has been snowed back into the stone age and a blanket of the white stuff is causing chaos everywhere, especially London, where all the news comes from in England.

If anyone's forgotten what snow looks like, here's a snap the old fella took of their avenue just before he went out looking for my mother who'd gone to Marks and Spencer to take a blouse back.

Anyway, the old-dear-in-law brought a packet of barley to Ibiza from the old country - because you can't get it here. She could equally have brought lightbulbs, firelighters, oregano, cat litter, antiseptic kitchen wipes and a myriad other things that you also can't get here.

Luckily for us, she's been dispensing useful advice courtesy of her position as Emeritus Professor of Hindsight and Malapropisms at the St. Helens Institute of Technology (SHIT). You should've had a waiter's dummy installed to bring firewood up from the cellar she helpfully opined seeing me hobbling up the stairs with a basket full of logs.

Stand by for more of this and some pretty useful gossip - Alex the Yorkshire welder has got the Showman's Bar in Cala de Bou, and he's going to open in winter! - as and when we get her twitter stream.

Ibiza CBB Villa

2010-01-04T12:39:00.000+01:00

Only one day in to Celebrity Big Brother and we're already hooked and reliving the action role play style.

Jaki's outside perishing cold, screeching nonsensically through her shiny hair and I'm inside, toasty warm, trying to fathom out how to get from the hall to the lounge – there appears to be a door blocking the way – and wondering who the other house mates are. (I think I recognise two of them from 101 Dalmatians?)

Saint Joe Blues

2010-01-03T10:35:00.001+01:00

I woke up this morning, at the crack of dawn.
Said, I woke up this morning, at the crack of dawn.
I was feeling so tired, all I could do was yawn.

Doin' a bit of research on the Can Jordi Blues Station in San Jose, Ibiza, I came across this fab video of Blues Dave (sometimes known as Dave Blues) in Raco Verd.

Great groove Dave!

Snafu Ibiza

2010-01-03T10:12:00.000+01:00

Take a look at this

It's San Jose's new look high street. Recently completed at a budget cost of €384,000 using Central Government money from PlanE, it was opened with a flourish in an official ceremony by the mayor and representatives from the Government.

Doesn't it look great with brand new benches, saplings and planters with olive trees and lavender. It's even got a parking lane for anyone wanting to nip into the new shops and offices constructed by a private developer (rumoured to be a relative of the last mayor)

The only problem is that over four years after the project started with the destruction of a perfectly good copse of pine trees, it still looks like an unfinished building site.

Old barriers, oil drums, rocks, debris and rubble litter the area and drain pipes poke out of the walls dripping liquid onto the floor. In a real country health and safety would have a field day, here, it'll be like this for at least another year.

Merry Christmas from Ibiza

2010-01-02T16:42:00.000+01:00

We'd like to be the first to wish everyone a very merry Christmas twenty-ten!

We hope it's as good for you as ours in two thousand and nine! We're still here aren't we?

Cala Moli: You've Been Framed

2010-01-02T09:07:00.002+01:00

If you've been observing my Tweets on Twitter, you are
a. under 100 years old
b. under employed
and will have noticed my daily snapshots not worthy of a full blown blog post.

One of them was a really blustery day at Cala Moli which actually rates a few seconds of video, mainly because it illustrates one of the unwritten laws of photography,

which is that when you don't want a dog to appear on a video, it will. Conversely, when you've just lined up a belting shot of your cute pooch, it will turn round just as the shutter clicks and all you've got is a great photo of its arse!

The dog was Floyd, who was not harmed during the making of the video.

Ibiza Taxi

2009-12-30T14:38:00.001+01:00

Driving out of San Jose yesterday, Jaki spotted a taxi on the taxi rank. That's a first, she said, and I pointed out that the driver wasn't in it, and had probably just parked up outside the town hall to nip in and renew his license.

It's quite easy. Here's question 1 on the form

1. Are you related by birth, marriage, or both to someone who works in the town hall?

A. If yes, go and collect whatever you want in reception in 5 minutes.
B. If no, answer the other 149 questions on this form and come back in 6 months to be told you've been unsuccessful.

VFT (Ibiza) V Caption Comp

2009-12-28T16:57:00.000+01:00

I spent most of Christmas watching ITV's Christmas pantomimes - best line ever delivered my Debra Stephenson (Corrie's Frankie Baldwin), 'I miss my Dick,' referring of course to the protagonist of the opus, Dick Whittington.

Despite an overdose of double entendres I can't think of a caption of this photo Jaki took of the opera La Boheme. It shows her little cat and a woman with one of those hand warmer things posing for an artist.

I'm completely writer's blocked.

Ibiza Sunset, Heineken Style

2009-12-27T18:06:00.000+01:00

If Heineken did Ibiza sunsets, they'd probably look like this one. Taken from our roof a few minutes ago

Ibiza Version Original

2009-12-26T19:02:00.000+01:00

Chatting to the girl in Sluiz the other day, she told me she preferred watching films in English with subtitles because she felt it wasn't right listening to Spanish voices dubbed over themes which should have been in English.

I said what about El Cid? Wasn't it strange to hear Charlton Heston speaking English as he rode round the walls of Valencia?

Anyway, did you know that when Hollywood films are dubbed into Spanish the same actors are always used to dub the same star. For example Arnold Schwartzenegger's stunt dubber is always a little fat guy (I've forgotten his name)

Here's a definate case for watching the original version of a film - whoever dubbed this sounds like an airline steward announcing that duty free's coming round - not psyching himself up for a night of mayhem and ultraviolence.